focus

Dear Shannon,

Here is your AstroSlam for Sunday, July 6:

You'll be very proud of yourself for multi-tasking today, but you shouldn't be. The only reason that you're able to run around and do a bunch of different tasks is because you're a failure at prioritizing. Learn how to focus, dude.

why i subscribe to this little uplifting horoscope is beyond me! although, it is frightfully appropriate today.

This morning in my head and in my journal I had a little identity crisis going on...it seems I've come to another cross roads...and haven't a clue the best direction to go.
I love the open-endedness of my career choice, there really are numerous avenues for me to pursue and when I get bored of one role, jump into another.

I like having a closet full of hats, so to speak.

But.

At the moment, I don't feel like a hat person.

This fall brings teaching...only 2 days a week....since I opted out of a full time schedule to leave room for other pursuits...and cut down on driving. How wise is this? I don't know.
I am consistently unstable, the state of limbo is my home, the only given is my role as a mom, I took on that postition for life.

My sketchbook is full of ideas, too many ideas. I'm in the place where the ideas are coming too fast and it's paralyzed me. To start one thing, would mean leaving the others behind, along with all the what if's. It may seem like a strange problem to complain about, but the unrest is frustrating, I don't want to choose.

Julia Cameron in her book, "Walking in this World" has a chapter about this phenomenom. "Week 7, Discovering a Sense of Momentum" where she not only descibes in detail the whirling energy and logjam of creativity...but also the dangers and solutions.

"you must take some small step or the ideas will remain jammed up and the creative pressure will continue to escalate. When it does, it will often manifest as attacks of self doubt and self loathing, "I am so stupid!" you might wail" ( and believe you me, i have! )

She says the trick here is to start siphoning some out...not add more in. In our culture we are trained to deal with anxiety of all forms by putting more in. ( I am very good at this )
more of anything, drink, food, stuff, commitments, work projects, overexercising...

She warns, do not call to talk to anyone, write a letter if you must, no more words in...only words and actions out. This is good advice, there are moments ( like today ) when I have a hair trigger, when the dualing radios are at risk of having me declare a electricity fast, when the neighbors chatter drives me insane! SHHHHHH!!!! I want to shout, but wouldn't, the smile is plastered on my nodding head, while I plot my escape.


"if your head is awhirl and you cannot think straight, then start by straightening something up..." okay, so I cleaned my desk. That felt amazingly productive. Next up...
laundry, fold neatly, hang, put away, clean cupboards, write thankyou notes and on and on...there is power in the details. Sorting out my little corner of the world, helps me find my place in the great big world.

Here's the best part though......

In this chapter she also talks about the sudden strobe light clarity we sometimes get, when we catch a glimpse of our future.
Where we "know" what's going to happen, but have to wait for reality to catch up.

The old has to finish falling apart and the new has to finish coming together.

(That is a great line...not verbatim from the book...it's just how my mind twisted it. Generously paraphrased and taken slightly out of context, but it works for me.)

The shock of seeing my reflection in a new mirror, causes everything I own to look out of style. But, I can't arrive at my destination with so many loose ends...so it's time to start putting everything in the present reality in order, finish all the half done projects...or toss them once and for all. Detox the house, purge it of all the excess, make it sparkle.

It clears up the vagueness.... and... what do you know....restores focus.