Today's post is a response to
the GBE2 prompt: Bottom. Like a yo-yo or a bouncing ball, I "hit bottom" fairly regularly. I know there is supposed to be a great big Ah-Ha moment when you hit and then rise up from the ashes like a phoenix never to visit the basement of life again....but I haven't quite found that consistency.
No, instead I tend to run headlong into one thing or the other ... and sometimes that means I fall.
Fall hard
...or suddenly discover I was running straight down all along. (directionally challenged)
hmpf, okay - time to start climbing back up again.
Now of course not all bottom hits are rock bottom - but they are often all a surprise...
*ahem*
to no one but yourself that is.
In my 20's I turned a diet into an obsession - into an eating disorder - into a frightening all-consuming way of life - that did not blend well with having an infant son. So, I ended up hopping on a plane, along with a breast pump, a stack of books and a pile of notebooks - in contrast, I think I only brought 4 outfits.
Another thing about finding yourself on the bottom - the light shines a little brighter.
The process of going from the airport to the treatment center was humiliating, but somewhere in the middle of the horror came the ability to "just do it" - I had no choice at that point, so I had to decide if I was just going to cooperate.... or not. I chose to cooperate. (the people pleaser in me really gave me no other option, besides what was fussing going to do for me?)
Unfortunately, or fortunately depending how you look at it, the "christian treatment center" was only a small part of a large mental hospital. Yes, I am admitting to the world at large that I spent time in a mental hospital.
('...just do it, write the hard stuff, it's okay...'
that is what I am telling myself right now)
The fortunate part was that it was not all eating disorders - I met fascinating people, troubled - but fascinating. I sat through sessions and just wanted to hear more....my issue was resolving -"what was it again?" -as I worried about these new friends and learned about their history and what they had been through...I suppose I had to talk at some point, but I don't remember ever participating - just enjoyed listening to stories, and trying to help. kindness always counts.
A couple weeks into my stay, I was transferred to a "cottage" - it was a nice change, felt like camp in a way, except without any campfires or knives, ropes, or swimming, hiking....okay, it was not camp, but it was less hospital-like. I played an insane amount of basketball in between meetings and meals - and just wanted to go home....because unfortunately, life there was scary (nights mainly) and I missed everything and everyone I left behind.
Gravity pulled me to the bottom, but it is only natural to want to try to fly again. I couldn't fly, not then, not now - and I am sure my take on hitting bottom is skewed, but this is my blog. It is just a blog. It is not a peer-reviewed journal, a product of careful editing, or intended to be used in any way other than for your amusement and my on-going therapy. These posts pop from the keyboard spontaneously, never drafted; shaken, not stirred. Mistakes are only revised when I decide to reread what I have written and am horrified at spelling errors or at sentences that grossly misrepresent what I intended to say. Run-on sentences are left as is, because I write like I talk and as weird as that is, this is what it would sound like if you were talking to me on the phone. - which is probably why I do not receive many phone calls....
I didn't intend to write about that time in my life - I had plenty of other "bottoms" to choose from, but once I started it became clear that that first big bottom hit was a life-changer in so many ways. Sure, I 'recovered' technically speaking, but it also altered me in ways that made coping with other hits - both self-inflicted and attacks from others - easier to walk through and pick myself up from.
....it also provided me with some mad b-ball skillz baby :)